Date: January 31, 2008
Running Time: 9:59
Movie Title: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Other Abridged Movie
(A buffalaxed version of the opening sequence Toei Animation's Yu-Gi-Oh! movie, "Kawaita Sakebi (渇いた叫び)" by "Field of View", plays but with the following subtitles:)
Corn on my mouth
Moe's soup machine
Naruto can't hang, though they're keen
Key yeah, yoohoo!
You may want to look away
Call at the coot:
"My camera's on Rita!"
I've developed an itchy knee
Buy a weak old egg-nog, oh no!
Yami & I mosh in Torino
She threw away my super glue
YUGI: Joey, have you noticed that we're being stalked by a strange, blue-haired girl? Is she a friend of yours?
JOEY: (Not being able to see Miho) What're you talking about, Yug?
YUGI: (Looking a bit creeped out) This girl who's staring at me; just who the hell is she?
JOEY: What girl? I don't see anybody.
YUGI: Am I the only one who can see her?
TRISTAN: (Not being able to see Miho either) Hey Joey! I think Yugi's gone crazy. Crazy I tell you!
JOEY: Ah, ha! He's definitely cracked.
YUGI: Ha ha ha! You guys are so funny, now stop it.
(Outside the restaurant, three bullies gather around Gary Stu)
BULLY 1: Hey loser! We heard you got yourself some trading cards.
BULLY 2: Yeah, what a joke! I bet he doesn't even know how to activate the Dark Luster Ritual card. You would have to be a total dork to not know how to do that.
(Inside the restaurant, Yugi notices Gary being bullied)
YUGI: Those bullies are being mean to Gary Stu!
JOEY: Who the hell is Gary Stu?
YUGI: I don't know, but apparently, he's my best friend.
(Outside the restaurant)
GARY: You guys should just leave me alone, because... I don't like playing card games!
(Everyone in the restaurant has a shocked look; some people even drop their Duel Monsters cards in shock)
JOEY: Oh no he didn't!
(Outside the restaurant)
GARY: I'm going to go play in the park... without using my cards.
(Inside the restaurant)
JOEY: Man! A kid who doesn't like playing card games! His parents must be ashamed.
TRISTAN: That guy's almost as crazy as Yugi.
YUGI: Shut up, Tristan, or I'll rip out your esophagus and feed it to you.
(Téa Gardner suddenly appears behind Yugi)
TÉA: I'm just here to look pretty!
(On the ceiling of the restaurant, a security camera pans the restaurant and points at Yugi; Seto Kaiba appears to be spying on Yugi)
KAIBA: I have installed security cameras all over Japan, because when you're rich you can never be too paranoid. Also, I like to spy on Yugi, just to make sure I'm always one step ahead of him.
KAIBA HENCHMAN: Yes, Mister Kaiba, but do we really have to watch him taking a shower every day? It seems a little unnecessary.
KAIBA: (hastily) I must always be one step ahead.
(The scene changes to Domino High School as the children are being let out of school)
CAPTION: Domino High School
CAPTION: 12 days since last Godzilla attack
(the scene changes to show Yugi and Joey walking)
JOEY: Hey Yug! How come everything looks so different in this episode?
YUGI: Actually Joey, this is a movie, based on Yu-Gi-Oh! Season Zero.
JOEY: There was a season zero? How come I never knew about it?
YUGI: It only aired in Japan, because it was super violent and depressingly bad.
JOEY: Man, the Japanese get all the cool stuff!
YUGI: Um, Joey. We live in Japan.
JOEY: We do?
(The scene changes to where it shows Gary Stu being chased and caught by Kemo)
GARY: Somebody help me!
KEMO: You're under arrest for not playing card games!
YUGI: Gary Stu's in trouble!
(From behind, Kemo's arm is grabbed; he ends up losing his grip on Gary)
KEMO: What the—
(The scene changes to Joey behind Kemo)
JOEY: Your child grabbing skills are no match for my Brooklyn karate.
KEMO: Hey! Let go of me!
YUGI: Hey, aren't you that guy from Season One who kept saying "attention duelists"?
KEMO: Attention duelists! I have no idea what you're talking about. I have orders from Seto Kaiba to kidnap that child and force him to take part in a card game tournament. By the way, has anyone seen my hair? I've been looking for it everywhere.
YUGI: Aren't you supposed to be working for Pegasus? Why are you taking orders from Kaiba?
KEMO: (slowly) ...I don't know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some children to grab.
(As Kemo is about to grab Yugi, Joey jumps from behind and gets Kemo into a grapple hold)
JOEY: |Surprise buttsex! Go Yug! I'm gonna keep him distracted with my inappropriate gestures.
KEMO: My hair is becoming aroused!
(Kemo manages to escape from Joey's grasp but is punched by Joey)
JOEY: Nyeh, Joey punch!
(The scene changes to where Yugi and Gary run down an alley)
YUGI: Come on Gary! Let's go!
GARY: I don't know who you are, but okay.
(Both Yugi and Gary are gasping at this point)
YUGI: (Briefly gasping) I really gotta quit smoking. Hey Gary, why don't you like playing children's card games, like all the other kids?
GARY: I just don't see the appeal. I rather do something creative with my time, like studying.
YUGI: You can't really mean that, Gary! If you don't play card games, you'll never be happy.
GARY: Leave me alone!
YUGI: Gary, what happened to you? You used to be so cool. I looked up to you... which was pretty difficult since we've never actually met.
(Suddenly, a bald person with a dark suit and glasses appears in the alley by Yugi and Gary)
ANIME VING RHAMES: Well, what do we have here?
YUGI: Oh no! It's Anime Ving Rhames!
CAPTION: ANIME VING RHAMES!
(The scene changes to Joey running down the street; a close pan shows his bruised face)
JOEY: Wow, beating the crap out of that guy was much more satisfying than playing card games. I wonder why I don't do it more often.
(Joey notices Yugi and Gary beaten up on the ground in the alley; Duel Monster cards are scattered about on the ground)
JOEY: Yug! Are you okay? What happened?
YUGI: Anime... Ving Rhames... came out of nowhere... and stole Gary's card.
(Upon hearing that, Joey rushes off)
JOEY: Sweet! Another excuse to kick the crap outta somebody!
YUGI: No, Joey! This is a family show! We were supposed to solve our problems through teamwork and stuff!
GARY: It's all my fault. I feel so ashamed.
YUGI: Don't worry, Gary. I'm sure Joey will be able to resolve this problem without the use of unnecessary violence.
(The scene changes to a domed building with people lined up outside; an excerpt of Edvard Grieg's Morning Mood from Peer Grynt Suite no. 1, op. 46 is playing in the background until Joey appears on the scene; from there, the music changes to "Feuer frei!" by Rammstein; Joey ultimately finds "Anime Ving Rhames" and proceeds to fight him. The scene changes to the inside of the building.)
ANNOUNCER: Seto Kaiba just defeated Rex Raptor without breaking a sweat. I can't imagine the shame he must be feeling right now.
REX: Uhuhuhuh, this sucks. I'm gonna go dye my hair. (leaves)
(In this shot, at 5:24, the message "Tyler Durden was here" appears for one frame in the upper right corner of the screen)
(Outside the building)
JOEY: It's ok, Yug. I'm bleeding internally, but I managed to save Gary's trading card. Now you can go duel Kaiba and get revenge for his dastardly scheme. Right Gary? That is what you want to do, isn't it?
GARY: I... I... No! Why won't anybody listen? Why does everybody think there's something wrong with me? I just don't wanna play card games. Especially Duel monsters. It's stupid.
JOEY: Gary, snap out of it! You're talking like a crazy person! Quick, somebody call a doctor!
YUGI: Since Gary is apparently too much of a wuss, I'll face Kaiba myself.
JOEY: Great idea! And me and Gary can watch. Because if Gary doesn't watch I'll kick the ever loving crap out of him. Isn't that right, Gary? Yes it is.
(Scene changes back to the dueling dome)
ANNOUNCER: And so, Seto Kaiba defeats yet another duelist, no doubt crushing their dreams and sending them into a never ending spiral of grief. It seems as though nobody can defeat this billionaire genius. What a guy! I love him so.
(Yugi enters the arena while the music from Street Fighter II plays)
CAPTION: Here comes a new challenger!
KAIBA: When I'm through with you you'll have to take a shower to wash away the smell of defeat... and I won't be watching you do it.
YAMI: Why would you be watching me?
KAIBA: I don't know; I just wanted to make sure you knew I wouldn't be.
YAMI: But I never thought—
KAIBA: (cuts him off) Good because I won't!
YAMI: Why would I think you were watching—
KAIBA: (cuts him off) (hastily) I dunno.
YAMI: O... kay...
KAIBA: I summon three Blue-Eyes White Dragons!
YAMI: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of mon—
KAIBA: (cuts him off) Yes, I summoned them all in one turn, stop asking.
YAMI: I was just wondering is all.
KAIBA: Yeah, well don't. Blue-Eyes, destroy his Dark Magician!
KAIBA: When you've seen one beaver, you've seen them all.
GARY: (in the stands with Joey) How long do these things usually last?
JOEY: Well card games normally only last a few episodes, but since this is a movie, it could technically go on for hours.
GARY: (thinking while looking panicked) I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away!
CAPTION: [three hours of painful, non-action later...]
GARY: It's so clear to me now!
GARY: This is the greatest game ever invented! And from this day forth, I'm going to spend all my money on... children's trading cards!
CAPTION: This is precisely the reaction the makers of this movie expected from the general public...
("Feuer frei!" plays again as Meteor Black Dragon destroys Kaiba's Blue-Eyes)
KAIBA: (leaving the arena) Yugi, you have shamed me once again. But I won't stop until I am the undisputed master of card games. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sue the people who made Eye of Judgment for the Playstation 3. Like that isn't an obvious rip-off of Duel Monsters. By the way, has anybody seen Mokuba?
JOEY: (runs up to Yami and grabs him from behind) Congratulations Yug! This calls for some surprise buttsex!
YAMI: Joey, with you, it's never a surprise. (sees Gary) Hey, Gary, piss off!
(Ending sequence song, "Ashita Moshi Kimi ga Kowaretemo (明日もし君が壊れても)" by "WANDS", plays with the following subtitles)
Cloak a sea otter
Raquelle had an emo man
Come to Iowa
Jeer at me or glare - I don't care
CAPTION: Gary's parents sent him to an island somewhere and forced him to kill his classmates one by one.
CAPTION: He returned home safely, only to be eaten by Godzilla.